When I started this blog, I said I didn't know what sort of content I'd be writing, so whilst this might be a natural transition for me it might be a bit weird for you, reader.
So far I've been blogging about boring IT stuff, like doing your bit to prevent a cyber breach or how to calculate the cost of an actual breach. These are the sorts of things I talk about on a daily basis, because, well, work. I'm passionate about it, I talk about it, prospective customers resonate with it, and I get paid to do it. Win win.
But work is one of a few aspects of my life, and for the last 10 months, those aspects have been shrinking and reducing. Something happened 10 months ago that changed my perspective on just about everything, in ways I could never have imagined.
We had a kid.
I don't want to delve too far into the TMI (too much information), but we'd been wanting this for a while. We were in our 30s when we got married, so kids were high on the agenda. But like with a lot of couples, those more mature even more so, things just didn't seem to be happening. Like a thousand other stories you've likely heard, we "gave up hope, and then it happened", boom, special delivery on the way...
Let me cut through the crap - I'm writing this blog to talk about all of the things I wish I knew when I was 20-something even though I'm closer to 40-something. These are the things I wish I knew when my 20-something friends were having kids.
Do NOT complain about being tired
When I was younger, 21 to be specific, I once stayed awake for 72 consecutive hours. I don't know what I did for the first 24, but during the next 24 I stayed wide awake to watch the final of the World Cup in 2006 - something I'd done for every final since 1994, and this was Italy versus France. Time for Pirlo to avenge Baggio (my idol) for 1998!
I stayed up until 4am (the kickoff time in Sydney, Australia), Zidane was sent off and Pirlo put in a masterclass like every other match he played at the tournament. He nervously slotted away his penalty, and somehow this erased my demons of 1994. I was so excited I couldn't sleep.
But the next day, I had a match of my own to play. I was more exhausted than ever, and only lasted 60 of the allotted 90 minutes and for the first time ever, I'm admitting that I was so tired I committed a foul so heinous that any referee would have sent me off. Any, except the one refereeing our match - he only showed me a yellow card. So I had to fake an injury and limp off the pitch because I was so exhausted I couldn't continue.
This is a pretty pointlessly long story to a very short conclusion - I haven't felt as fresh as that day I was 'more exhausted than ever' since my wife gave birth to our child.
Do - accept that your family member or friend is exhausted and exhaustion leads to weirdness. Forgive the weirdness.
Don't - welcome them to parenthood and this 'rite of passage' after you'd spent years encouraging them to get into this without telling them how f**king tiring it'd be.
Do take pictures!
When my daughter was born on July 1, 2022, marking the start of the new financial year and the end of my concept of time all together, forever, what I didn't envision was that in this age of digital, I'd be forever remorseful of a lack of pictures just 10 months into her life.
The night she was born, whilst simultaneously being a blubbering mess, I took a few quick snaps to try and capture moment as best I could. From that moment onwards I played a game of "don't do anything that might kill the baby" - something I'm sure many first time parents can attest to a being the least fun game ever.
What I also did in unison was play the role of photographer for our family and friends to capture a series of beautiful portraits of them with our child. What they all did in return was to not capture a single photo of my wife, myself, or us, with our child, to mark our occasion.
It still irks me to this day that we let the first weeks and months of our daughters life go by, without realising we were missing the chance to capture some of the most precious moments we'll ever encounter...
Do - take pictures of the new parents, with their beautiful child, even if they insist that they look like shit.
Don't - ask the new parents to take pictures of you, with their child, without first offering the same in return.
Note - thanks to the amazingly talented Linda G (Instagram & website), we do have some amazing photos of our early days. But none of those candid moments captured by family or friends...
Consider your opinion
This probably irks me more than anything, but I feel like putting it later is a bit more impactful.
My whole life, I've been surrounded by people who are all too keen to tell me that what I'm doing at any given time is wrong and that in my shoes, they'd have done 'blah' instead. Despite the constant negativity, I feel I've done okay in life so far.
What I didn't realise was that having a child would amplify this times a hundred, and then by another thousand. All of a sudden I'm changing her nappy incorrectly, over dressing her, under dressing her, being too tense, not being tense enough, not serving tea/coffee/cake soon enough for visitors. You name it, we copped it.
Don't get me wrong, new parents are all for advice because everything is so unfamiliar. Just don't shout something at them that they'll eventually decipher is crap advice.
Do - give your opinion when asked, most probably in desperation.
Don't - give your unsolicited opinion, especially if it is total and utter crap.
Cook (or buy) them food, clean etc
Hands down, the best gift we received was a voucher for food delivery. I can't even remember which company it was with, but I do remember who it was from and how appreciated it was.
Parents are discharged from the hospital with little to no idea how to care for (read: keep alive) the little baby they're sent home with. So trivial matters like cooking, cleaning or showering are pretty low on their list of priorities.
One amazing friend gave us a voucher for food delivery. It might've been Menulog, or maybe Uber Eats or Deliveroo. I honestly don't remember, but it's practically the only gift I remember.
Do - cook for them, buy them food or provide vouchers. Clean up around the house when you visit, and as an icing on the cake take their baby for 5-10 minutes to allow them to have a quick shower/bath.
Don't - expect them to feed you, leave them with more dishes than when you arrived, or ask them how long it has been since they last had a shower/bath.
Make it about THEM not you
Some people make it their mission in life to seek the negativity out of any situation they're ever presented with - and somehow having a child seems to bring these people out in droves.
There are people who have blatantly attacked us for 'ignoring' them or not bringing our child to their doorstep, when they haven't made but a single effort to visit us in oh so many months.
Oh how I could rant about this one. But I have made it a new formed mission in life to ignore these types of people. Frankly, I don't have the time.
Do - congratulate the new parents and let them know that this is their time to feel special.
Don't - go talking behind their backs, to their family no less, about how they are 'ignoring' you or 'disrespecting' you, when all they're doing is trying to survive whilst simultaneously pleasing every egotistical maniac in their lives.
Don't steal the 'firsts'
There is a first time for everything, and where you can help it, try and make all of those first moments involve the parents.
Some simple examples of milestones for a child, as it morphs from blob to semi-human:
- It smiles or laughs for the first time.
- It eats solid food for the first time.
- It rolls over for the first time.
- It stands for the first time.
- It speaks for the first time.
- It has its picture posted on social media for the first time.
- It learns to do anything for the first time.
And so on.
Stealing any of these moments, when you can help it, from the new parents, is not cool. Taking credit for 'teaching' the child something is also not cool. Let the parents have those moments without encroaching like a pest.
Do - let the new parents revel in the joy of their child doing something for the first time. Ask them if it's okay to post your shitty selfie on social media.
Don't - claim that you saw their child do it first, tell them you saw their child do something first, or claim that you 'taught' their child to do it first. Post your shitty selfie on social media without asking permission.
Don't compare
You've had a child, seen a child, or heard about a child that isn't the same child that the new parents have presented to you. Don't now feel that it is your mission to compare that child to the child these new parents have presented to you.
This goes both ways, both positive and negative.
I'm a believer that a child should be nurtured, not raised, meaning that you should take them for all they are and let them flourish into their own little human, rather than attempting to mould them into something they aren't that you wish you were. Yes, I'm looking at you, stage parents.
Apparently, I was walking at 8 months. Yet my baby is 10 months old and only now starting to master the skill of standing up on her own. She's nothing like me, and that's the best part of it all - this isn't a second chance for me, it's a first chance for her. Who knows what sort of weird and wacky adventure she is going to take us on.
Do - praise or comment in general on their child and the way it looks, behaves etc.
Don't - compare the child, favourably or not, to any other human being. Let them be their own thing.
Respect the parents, and their rules
I've just been typing this out ad-lib, but this should probably be at the top of the list all in caps and with an exclamation point to emphasise it.
The thing about having a child is that you become anal about everything. Whether people enter the house with their shoes on, if they should wash/sanitise their hands before touching your child, whether they feed your child allergens with or without your permission...
I don't think it's too much to ask to let new parents decide when they're comfortable doing something, especially for the first time ever.
Do - ask for permission if you are unsure.
Don't - assume you know what is best for the baby or the parents.
In closing
Here we go again, another wanky 'in closing' paragraph to finish the blog. I blame my audience for not suggesting a better format.
The general crux is to not put any more weight upon the shoulders of parents who are currently feeling the weight of the world on theirs.
What you think, do or say might be just a suggestion for the best in your opinion, but to them is one of a thousand other voices that aren't that of the baby that cries, constantly, piericing their ears and their hearts simultaneously.
Being a new parent is hard, and if you've been blessed with the opportunity to live through it in the past, transport yourself back to those days before you think, do or say something. If you haven't, then I truly hope that one day, you either do or don't get to experience it depending on what you want. And no matter your choice, if you ever need to speak to someone about it, I'm all ears...
